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DE- Feat!!

I busied myself with the weekly task of housecleaning.  I knew it was the day of the big game.  For years, it had ended in disappointment with UCLA being trounced by USC.  But this year, the football season was going surprisingly well for the Bruins.  So maybe in an attempt to "not mess it up for them," I scrubbed and vacuumed.  I read my son's text with the news "We did it!!! Go Bruins!"  Wow, that was awesome news, but it came at the same time I got the call about Mom Ruth being hospitalized that morning with aspiration pneumonia, now on a ventilator . . . 

It's weird to go from ecstatic elation to sudden sadness in the pit of your stomach.  I seem to be a harbor for bad news.  In fact I find that my mood seems to match the dark days of Fall.  I have momentary episodes of crying over "spilled milk episodes" of life.  But history allows no "do-overs," you must keep moving on.  In the morning during my yoga class, our instructor was frequently asking us "how do we feel?" as we came through particular poses.  My response was "stiff." Yep, I was even fighting myself, I didn't want to feel any more disappointment, sorrow or sadness.  But I'm inundated . . . 

I woke up today feeling extremely weak.  Maybe, it was because I hadn't eaten much yesterday but peanuts.  Going to see Mom Ruth was difficult, just the other day she had called and thanked me over and over again for the wonderful dinner we shared last week at Black Angus. I hear her voice as she said good-bye with "I love you!"  Yet, there she lay with tubes and wires.  I knew she wouldn't want to linger like that, so telling her one more time of my love, I prayed God would mercifully take her.  Then out I went, pulling my hood over my head as the black rain fell around me  . . . 

Darkness perseveres in hot pursuit of me.  I find myself praying the Serenity Prayer, "Lord, help me to accept the things I cannot change," as I sit down to read and journal.  Darkness makes me fearful, yet God is not intimidated at all.  To Him, darkness and light are just the same (Psalm 139).  He accomplishes His will with either, in fact dark clouds seem to offer protection and comfort in the midst of battle, as the fleeing children of Israel realized when their Egyptian slaveholders came raging toward them.  Darkness holds the treasure, the hidden wealth of knowing God intimately, for it is in those times when "you know that it is the Lord the God of Israel who calls you by your name," (Isaiah 45: 3).  

I opened the front door to find the gift of a dead mouse on my doormat.  Oh, so the neighbor's cat was trying to make up for all the times I had to chase it out of my flower bed! Yet, I found myself crouching down to gently call the green eyed tiger cat on over to give a few pats of appreciation.  Embracing my foe seemed to give me a different perspective of its presence in my yard . . .

Maybe these days of darkness are the days that God has my attention, like He never did before.  Maybe He's calling me on over, reminding me that darkness is not my DE-Feat!      

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