Skip to main content

But . . .

 


I had to pause for a moment, as I began reading the text this early morning. 

But they, our fathers, acted arrogantly: 

they became stubborn and would not listen to Thy commandments."

 (Nehemiah 9:18).  

How often do I find myself verbalizing "but? what about? what then? what if? really?" All the phrases that feed doubt and angst into my life are found in that one conjunction.  Memory stands as the faithful argument against it, but when faced with future days all seems easily forgotten.  This verse comes to a people who had returned to their homeland after being ravaged and exiled by foreign powers.  Nehemiah is reminding them of who they are, and especially of their one and only God who has forever been faithful to them despite  their faithlessness and wrongdoing.  He reminds them how God is a God of forgiveness, slow to anger, longsuffering, overflowing with lovingkindness, never forsaking them even when He was totally forgotten and forsaken by them (Nehemiah 9:17).  In other words, he describes the basic character of God or "hesed," that "no strings attached love" that God has for us.  

But. . . life gets in the way.  Even way back then, the reality of living, making a living and surviving seemed to get in the way.  I am no different.  I too find myself often caught up with life, each day seems a repetitious pattern of cook, work, sleep, repeat.  I have felt emptied, that it almost takes too much energy to get up and do it again, and yet reality is that I must.  I find myself toying with and verbalizing thoughts of how to escape, how do I free myself of the burden that is weighing me down?  Maybe, I am getting too old for the job.  Why do I feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole with the challenges I face?  Why do I end up being tied to such long days of work?  Am I making a difference or am I causing harm?  Am I causing harm to myself?  

But . . . what have I forgotten?  My vacation days had ended much too quickly, and despite being intentional about really listening for God's voice, I seemed to only be met with silence.  Even as I contemplated and breathed in the salty sea breeze and felt the ocean waves, I found no settling in my soul.  Perhaps that's the mystery of God, He often lets us sit with our emotions and feelings, while still aware and near.  I returned to my routine last week, still with that void of unease.  


 

But . . . God did have a word for me. 

" . . . Do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."

 (Nehemiah 8:10)

I never understood that verse in my younger days, even as my Dad would remind me of that often.  How can I have any strength, let alone joy with what I face today?  And yet, I realize it's not about me or my abilities or my weaknesses.  The reality is that God is the One of joy and ultimately strength.  Those are basic characteristics of Yahweh.  So stop grieving, doubting, rehearsing my "what if's?", and instead trust Him.  Remember, all these 44 years of being a nurse, He has been ever faithful.  He has been the One to sustain me through job changes, role and education shifts, challenges and expectations.  Yes, reality is that God has constantly demonstrated His "hesed" to me.   

But. . . I was caught off guard again, as I heard such kind and complimentary words from my employer.  How even my presence in the office has seemed to bring a peace and stability to the practice, that has been noticed in these initial years.  My mind quickly reverted to all my self doubts and questioning.  I almost had to chuckle, that once again, Lord, despite of what I feel or have been experiencing, You have been doing something better or greater than what I even realized.  And Your words resounded in my head,

 "Stop grieving, Mary, I am Your joy and strength."


 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Hummingbird Lessons

My eye caught a small round mound stuck upon a branch.  Looking closer, I found indeed it was the start of a hummingbird nest.  And yes, I now had the mother hummingbird buzzing around my head, reminding me that I was in her space.  I have been able to witness at least 3 other hummingbird families come to life, and I was always mesmerized by these "tiny vulnerabilities" becoming resilient birds in only a matter of five to six weeks.  The nest was right out my patio door, and I had the best view to watch them daily.  I was smiling. I had a hunch that babies would be coming soon, because our hummingbird feeder had been especially sucked dry only a few weeks earlier.  One day I found at least 4 hummingbirds at one time feeding, which is highly unusual because most times they come one at a time and don't seem to want to share the space.  If they would share, it was two only at a the bar and of course on opposite sides.  I was filling that feeder at le...
Post a Comment
Read more

Last of the Mohicans

Glenny, Jerry, and Bobby were the brothers of my Mother Verna.  I'm not sure why she seemed to always attach a "y ending" to their names, but it stuck with her and even them, regardless of their grown up years.  She also did it with my brothers, Johnny and Petey.  Maybe it was just a term of loving endearment in her big sister and motherly role.  No doubt it has happened once again this past week, as she welcomed her baby brother Bobby into his heavenly home. . .   Uncle Bob was probably the one brother I knew best from Mom's family.  Growing up, it seemed that we didn't always have a chance to spend a lot of time with her side of the family.  Grandma had died in her mid 50's of breast cancer, and although I was told that I was named after her, I arrived too late to ever have known her.  I only see her in the picture hanging on my wall.  Times spent with Grandpa and Uncle Jerry were limited due to lack of accommodations in their home....
1 comment
Read more

Complicated Relationship Living

Today is Mom's birthday.  If she were here,  we would be celebrating her 109th day of life.  I can't believe that it has already been 20 years since she said goodbye to earthly living.   I was much too young back then, at the age of 45, to lose my Mom.  You always long for at least one more conversation to ask the questions you didn't get a chance to do.  You often wished you would have had more talks, especially as you find yourself on a different side of life, other wise known as the senior years. As parents we always desire to keep our family ties together and close, but it doesn't always work out that way.  When our  parents were still living, and as they grew more elderly, they of course were the bond that brought my brothers and myself together.  As adult children, we each had a unique relationship to them, but I am realizing now, that we didn't necessarily have a tie with one another.  We were children of the nuclear family, ...
Post a Comment
Read more