But . . .

 

I had to pause for a moment, as I began reading the text this early morning. 

But they, our fathers, acted arrogantly: 

they became stubborn and would not listen to Thy commandments."

 (Nehemiah 9:18).  

How often do I find myself verbalizing "but? what about? what then? what if? really?" All the phrases that feed doubt and angst into my life are found in that one conjunction.  Memory stands as the faithful argument against it, but when faced with future days all seems easily forgotten.  This verse comes to a people who had returned to their homeland after being ravaged and exiled by foreign powers.  Nehemiah is reminding them of who they are, and especially of their one and only God who has forever been faithful to them despite  their faithlessness and wrongdoing.  He reminds them how God is a God of forgiveness, slow to anger, longsuffering, overflowing with lovingkindness, never forsaking them even when He was totally forgotten and forsaken by them (Nehemiah 9:17).  In other words, he describes the basic character of God or "hesed," that "no strings attached love" that God has for us.  

But. . . life gets in the way.  Even way back then, the reality of living, making a living and surviving seemed to get in the way.  I am no different.  I too find myself often caught up with life, each day seems a repetitious pattern of cook, work, sleep, repeat.  I have felt emptied, that it almost takes too much energy to get up and do it again, and yet reality is that I must.  I find myself toying with and verbalizing thoughts of how to escape, how do I free myself of the burden that is weighing me down?  Maybe, I am getting too old for the job.  Why do I feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole with the challenges I face?  Why do I end up being tied to such long days of work?  Am I making a difference or am I causing harm?  Am I causing harm to myself?  

But . . . what have I forgotten?  My vacation days had ended much too quickly, and despite being intentional about really listening for God's voice, I seemed to only be met with silence.  Even as I contemplated and breathed in the salty sea breeze and felt the ocean waves, I found no settling in my soul.  Perhaps that's the mystery of God, He often lets us sit with our emotions and feelings, while still aware and near.  I returned to my routine last week, still with that void of unease.  

 

But . . . God did have a word for me. 

" . . . Do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."

 (Nehemiah 8:10)

I never understood that verse in my younger days, even as my Dad would remind me of that often.  How can I have any strength, let alone joy with what I face today?  And yet, I realize it's not about me or my abilities or my weaknesses.  The reality is that God is the One of joy and ultimately strength.  Those are basic characteristics of Yahweh.  So stop grieving, doubting, rehearsing my "what if's?", and instead trust Him.  Remember, all these 44 years of being a nurse, He has been ever faithful.  He has been the One to sustain me through job changes, role and education shifts, challenges and expectations.  Yes, reality is that God has constantly demonstrated His "hesed" to me.   

But. . . I was caught off guard again, as I heard such kind and complimentary words from my employer.  How even my presence in the office has seemed to bring a peace and stability to the practice, that has been noticed in these initial years.  My mind quickly reverted to all my self doubts and questioning.  I almost had to chuckle, that once again, Lord, despite of what I feel or have been experiencing, You have been doing something better or greater than what I even realized.  And Your words resounded in my head,

 "Stop grieving, Mary, I am Your joy and strength."