Mary's Heartbeats

We are being invaded by frequent flights of dainty Monarch-like butterflies, brushing briskly throughout our streets and yards.  Last night during chatter before my yoga class, I discovered they are known as "Painted Ladies," and yes, our area is part of their migratory pattern.  I have enjoyed being surrounded by their crooked and jerky paths, as I try to capture their picture while they take a break on my flowers.  I am reminded of the butterfly feeling I had when I was pregnant.  It was that first flutter of life within in my abdomen, when you weren't exactly sure what it was you were feeling.  It was there, definitely there, but unlike anything you ever had within you before.  It bounced from one side to the other, just like a butterfly bumping in a jar.  I am having a similar sensation now as I prepare myself to return to work in a week.  There is a definite newness within me, but only like a flicker of flame.  I wonder if it will be f...

Unhurried Serenity A quiet crisp December dawn With sleepy clouds, Arousing the morning sun. Interrupted only by the  Chatter of squawky wild parrots Perched atop  A crimson yellow tree. A rugged rocky journey With pregnant virgin, Finished only by the  Humble birth of Christ In a manger stall. Unhurried serenity? I wonder. . . Jesus, Prince of Peace Has come into the midst  Of life situations, crises and unknowns. Ushering in goodness,  Hope and joy. Gifting us with  Everlasting Unhurried Serenity. "The Lord your God is in your midst . . .  He will exult over you with joy,  He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy." (Zephaniah 3:17)

Here I am day #89 cancer survivor and I am all in.  I have walked these days with much soul searching and solitude.  I never could have predicted the particular paths that I have wandered down.  So much of the journey has been in unknown territory.  I have often heard how the cancer I had "was so different, very rare, not typical, and perhaps at best a very early cancer."  I have had multiple scans, both inside and outside of my body, and a total of 3 surgeries.  All of which have brought me back full circle to the fact that I did have a Left Fallopian tube cancer, but that has been surgically removed with my total hysterectomy.  I have been all in with the various plans that have been proposed to me, but today, there were more choices for me to personally make, with the options presented.  But to choose means that I will have to be all in. . . and so I wonder, am I really all in? The very word of cancer brings with it shock, fear, anxiety and...

Sibling rivalry at its best, right in front of me, as I read through the opened pages.  An older brother and sister voice their displeasure with whom their younger brother had married.  And furthermore they reasoned, why did he have all the words from God to speak, weren't they just as qualified? Murmuring, grumbling, feeling passed over and probably a bit jealous, they were not wanting to play second fiddle in this task of leading their people to freedom.  Their discontent was only voiced between the two of them, so they thought, but the passage tells me differently, "and the Lord heard it," (Numbers 12:2).   Critical speech and comments often come out of my mouth too quickly.  They cut coldly into others opinion and leave a negative, defensive tone.  Is it no wonder then that the conversation goes downhill from there, void of any meaningful discussion, and all because I think I know better.  Unfortunately, I have tried this technique out w...

"It's not the adversity, it's how you respond." (Golf Central, 2/17/19)   I'm not exactly sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't the words that I heard.  I sat on the crinkly exam paper on the table, as I grabbed my pen and scribbled notes.  I had all my questions poised to review for what I thought would be chemo, the next step in my process of surviving cancer.  But instead the conversation became an u-turn discussion.  Perhaps, chemo would be "over treatment" for essentially no further cancer seen or evidenced by my latest surgery.  Perhaps monitoring me with scans and MRI's, possibly one more diagnostic laparoscopic surgery may be sufficient at this point. Chemo could become a personal choice, there if I wanted to really do it, but yet realizing too that chemo isn't always the final cure. . .  and could be overkill.  Seriously?  Was I really hearing this, could it be that I am being healed from cancer? I walked out of the...

Bare limbs, stripped of all their cover.   Wooden sticks line the streets, all looking somewhat like upside down root systems.  Silently they stand tall, stiffly swaying with the occasional gust of wind.  Completely vulnerable to whatever falls from the sky, be it snow or pounding rain.  Seemingly, the trees are in their winter hibernation, just sleeping time away, but maybe not.  Could there be something new happening on the inside? I walk my morning route with Jasmine by my side, totally focused only on getting to eat blades of fresh green grass, and oblivious to anything higher than her knee high vision.  But my sight is captivated with the trees that remind me of my own winter sabbatical.  I am just as naked as the branches.  I too have lost my covering of health and wellness, of working as a Nurse Practitioner, and being the caretaker of my family and patients.  Pride has vanished, humble acceptance is my embrace as I am the vul...

The Blackhole of Surgery Blackness, piercing darkness Without light, complete blindness, A dark abyss seemingly unending And into that you plunge Headfirst. Yes, the time is come No turning back! I go into the deep, deep blackness Tucked under the wing of my Savior. All is given up to darkness My thoughts, my breath, my body. I lie next to death itself But under the wing of my Savior. The outcome is unknown No telling what will be found. All is given up No control in the vacuum of the void. Yet I have read Your Word That tells me Your right hand will lay hold of me. In the overwhelming darkness  When even light is night, You are there. Darkness and light are alike to You. You are not hampered by the great abyss. The darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day. So I can plunge into the blackest hole, Because I am under your wing, O Lord . . . (Psalm 139:10-12)