Infantile Newness

We are being invaded by frequent flights of dainty Monarch-like butterflies, brushing briskly throughout our streets and yards.  Last night during chatter before my yoga class, I discovered they are known as "Painted Ladies," and yes, our area is part of their migratory pattern.  I have enjoyed being surrounded by their crooked and jerky paths, as I try to capture their picture while they take a break on my flowers.  I am reminded of the butterfly feeling I had when I was pregnant.  It was that first flutter of life within in my abdomen, when you weren't exactly sure what it was you were feeling.  It was there, definitely there, but unlike anything you ever had within you before.  It bounced from one side to the other, just like a butterfly bumping in a jar.  I am having a similar sensation now as I prepare myself to return to work in a week.  There is a definite newness within me, but only like a flicker of flame.  I wonder if it will be fanned into a genuine glowing fire, or will it smoulder out?  For me, these are days of infantile newness . . . 

The newness has come by the grace of God.  I have been given newness in my physical health as cancer has been silenced.  But I ponder if I ever can truly comprehend and appreciate that goodness of God, as my Uncle Bob had stated, "Lord, grant me grace in proportion for my ability to appreciate it."  I am so overwhelmed with each morning I awaken in this newness. . . 

Yet, why should I be surprised?  Before all of this cancer journey began, I had found myself exhausted and fatigued, otherwise known as being burned out with work and life.  I didn't know what was happening with my body, I just wanted my symptoms to finally stop.  I felt like I didn't have anymore energy to devote to a practice that seemed to be collapsing each day, as more colleagues and staff were leaving.  I found myself waddled in self doubt, complaints and grumbling.  No matter how much I tried to put a positive spin on it, I was stuck in negativity.  As I anticipated my first surgery, I had made a point to pray for God to do something "new" for me.  And of course He did, but not exactly what I expected. . . 

Having my world turned upside down with the threat of deadly disease, I have repented of those resentments, regrets and complaints that I had stored up.  Not fully realizing that I had done that, until rereading old journals, I found almost exact quotes from what I had written more recently.  Unbelievable that those thoughts had resurfaced again! I realized that it was certainly time to give them up, once and for all.  Cancer thrives with our deep resentments and hurts, as Louise L. Hay writes in her book, "You Can Heal Your Life."

With the old and past gone, I faced a new foe, but one that would seem to be tempered by God's grace. For now the new reality is to go forward in life, with humility and gratitude, always aware that any additional moments are grace-given, and are not there as the result of my doing or because of a medical miracle.  I must give up the why question, as humanly I have no explanation for why God has been so benevolent to me, especially when so many other people suffer terribly.  But if He has allowed me even one extra day, then I am to nurture that newness within me so that His goodness, grace and love can pour out to each and every person around me.

It was no coincidence today to find one of my Daddio's articles, tucked way in the back of a file of my past medical and lab tests. It was entitled "When Anticipation and Reality Collide."
He writes, "it should be remembered that many times anticipation is based on idealism and ivory tower concepts; reality deals with the hard, rugged, tough facts of everyday life---the problems, the tears, the turmoil, and the 'there-are-no-answer' experiences."  And he goes on to remind me with reality, however it is, to "Accept it by faith.  You will have to act against your shattered feelings.  Pick up the pieces, and start over with God's help, putting them all together again; or better still, forget the pieces and begin anew."  

"Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.

Behold, I will do a new thing;

now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it?

I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert."    

(Isaiah 43:18-19)