The Challenge of Autumn

I am living day #42 as a cancer survivor.  My world has morphed into unknown territory.  There I was recovering quite well from my total robotic hysterectomy, ready to start an active recovery with exercise and routine, preparing to return to work in a month, when I got the phone call. At first, I thought the call to be a robo call, as I glanced to see that the caller was from our local cancer facility, so I didn't respond.  But then, I listened to the message left and it was much too specific for just asking for a donation, as the message was specifically for me to return their call.  As I conversed on the phone, I found out it was indeed for me, and that I was being given an appointment in the morning with a Gyne Oncologist.  Dumbfounded, I explained that I had been unaware of any cancer diagnosis, and was seeing my gynecologist that very afternoon.  My reality sank in . . . yes, that watery vaginal discharge was a malignant sign.

My gynecologist shared with me how he had just received the report of the second opinion pathology report that had been done on my Fallopian tube.  Everything else removed from within me was benign, but a 2.1 cm tumor had been found inside the middle of the L Fallopian tube.  It bore the diagnosis of a "poorly undifferentiated adenocarcinoma, favoring gastrointestinal or neuroendocrine" cause.  The Gyne Oncologist wasn't convinced that this was a true Fallopian tube cancer, because of where the tumor was found and because of the differentials.  So I completed an endoscopy and colonoscopy which did not reveal any concerning abnormalities.  I completed a PET scan, which did not show any other signs of malignancy, but did have the incidental finding of "multiple gallstones."

It was still the recommendation of my team of oncologists to have chemo, but in an effort to perhaps be more specific for the chemo, another opinion was done on my tumor, this time it had molecular testing to identify a primary site.  Somewhat baffling to all, was that the finding pinned it to be 90% gallbladder adenocarcinoma.  So the plan has been revised and will be revisited in a week, pending my CT abdominal results. . . 

And yet each day, I am living well.  I have good energy, have never had abdominal pain.  I wouldn't have guessed that I had multiple gallstones, as I have never been bothered with symptoms of such.  I don't view myself as a sickly individual, and rarely even get ill with a cold.  But I know cancer happens, it is a life situation, one of those bumps in the road of life that we all want to avoid. . .

From the beginning of this path, I chose not to define myself as having cancer or having had cancer, but rather each day realizing the fact that I am a cancer survivor.  For the reality is, I am still here today standing and breathing.  During these past 2 months of recovery from surgery, I have enjoyed my morning strolls with Jasmine.  With both of us walking leisurely, I have enjoyed the beautiful autumn leaves that line our streets.  I have watched and heard our wild noisy squawky parrots, the bright yellow orioles, and the  blue and orange fluttering finches enjoy berries on the branches of particular trees. Squirrels scatter and chase one another round and round and up tree trunks.  Daytime sun and skies are piercing in clearness and warmth.  Sometimes when walking in the light that leads me forward, I can't see too far ahead because of the magnificent brightness . . . 

So yes, I am 61 and blessed, in spite of current events.  I am grateful that there have been providers that have gone the extra step to obtain second and even third opinions, and have discussed my findings with other experts.  It's true, that God who cares about the lowly sparrow, cares even more about me.  He cares so much that He not only knows my inwardness, but He knows how many hairs are upon my head!  The changes and challenges in life are autumn appearing in us.  We cannot see the "colors" that God is producing in us, but they're there.  As the cold weather causes a crisis in the leaves, so disease that bites us from within can still produce a hue of peaceful blue, radiant loving red, warm enduring tangerine orange, and sunny golden joy.

I still feel that I am living a life of irony, that the one who has prided herself in being healthy and trying to be consistent with good habits, has succumbed to such a disease. But I realize there is always a bigger picture, something beyond myself, this bump in the road isn't about me.  God knew this day was coming, He's not surprised with the present reality and outcomes.  He knew that I could handle this challenge, and I have been cognizant that He is the warrior who fights and destroys the enemy of our bodies and soul.  And though winter is here now, with naked trees, dark skies and brisk winds, I do not need to fear . . . God's got this!!