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58 and . . .

I went through all of last year with the phrase in my head as "57+."  I defined my life to a number and a symbol.  Perhaps that was my pause, "what now?"  I often wondered, "what does life look like for me ahead?"  I could absolutely not see a thing, but my continual "daily-ness."  I attended a conference for developing resilience while working in the health fields, and the first exercise was to draw a picture of your present life.  I was stumped for several minutes, as nothing came to mind.  All I could think of was "57+" and that wouldn't take up too much space on the white blank in front of me.  So I began to push the purple crayon starting "in the air," drawing leaves, then eventually a branch and tree.  Yes, I felt like I was out on a limb, so unsure of what next may follow.  With the comments of those at my table, I heard that my sidelined tree not only showed stability, but did have the hope of new things ahead, whatever that may be . . . hmm.  Plus I realized in looking at each of the other pictures, we all experience life with uncertainties and yet want to remain hopeful as we look ahead.

So I have been looking, seeking out the new.  I have been trying to figure out "how do I like my eggs?" as that wonderful question is phrased in the movie Runaway Bride.  I  am discovering that for me it  may just be the small and insignificant, instead of the grand miraculous.  Looking for those present moments of new discovery is actually very freeing.  I don't need the spectacular, thunder clap experience, I can instead thrive in my very ordinary circumstances.  Who knew?

Becoming the number 58 this year, immediately brought to mind no more uncertainty, but the reality of "and."  This was going to be the year of "58 and."  I do have things to say and do, and even if I make a difference or have meaning for just one or even if it's just for me, that is enough.  Life is better when you can live with the surprise of it, instead of clinging to what you want it to be.  And frankly, I am done with expectations.  Life is lived by embracing not resisting. . .

"And" so far has made me grateful, thankful for each person in my life.  Thankful for relationships, old and new alike.  "And" has strengthened me in ways I didn't know before.  I can lift weights and gain more strength, even though my biceps still don't ripple.  "And" empowers me to try new things, to cook new ways, to become a seasoned sports fan, to blog again, my list goes on. . .  I do not need the approval of others in what I choose to do, my definition is my own.  "And" so far is going to be an adventure that I take on . . .

Perhaps that is why I love the chorus, "Let go my soul and trust in Him, the waves and wind still know His name. . ."  That has always been the secret, letting go and trusting Him through all the seasons of your life.  It's not shaking your fist at what you can't control or harboring anger over those times you "spilled the milk or threw the baby out with the water", but practicing forgiveness, humility, and kindness, living your life in love.   58 and . . .

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