Mary's Heartbeats

It's just me and Jasmine up this early, brisk Thanksgiving Day.  It would have been easier to stay curled up in a warm bed, than to get out this morning.  But here we are, in our usual morning spots.  Me on my couch with my books and journal, warm coffee close by and Jasmine laid out on her UCLA blanket covered pillow.  A heavy rain has saturated the backyard, and most likely our mountains will be splendid with snow.  Soon I will start the turkey and the house will fill with inviting smells and sounds of family "hanging out."   And here I am, day #365 as a cancer survivor!  It has been exactly one year since my life took an unexpected turn.  I am filled with overflowing joy and tears that seem to cascade out of me whenever I ponder this fact.  In a paradoxical way, it has been one of my best years ever, if not THE best.  I have completely enjoyed my NP days, returning to work and relishing the long term relationships I have ha...

"Let me know," was the prayer of Moses after he had dealt with the reality of his people gone astray.  He had just spent forty long days on a mountain top with God, and returned to those who had grown inpatient with his delay.  They had sought to replace God with an imitation god of gold.  The aftermath was ugly, the people had been punished, ring leaders had died, and now once again it's back to square one with developing people into sincere followers of the one true God.  Moses hears that an angel will go before them as they set out for the promised land, but that is not the same as the presence of God going before them.  He pleads, intercedes once again, humbly asking God to remember the favor He has shown to him in the past and wants to know that indeed God Himself will go with them.  "Let me know," is the theme of his prayer. "Let me know."  I have prayed the same.  Part of the dilemma of being human is that we just don't know.  We c...

Waiting. . . most of life is waiting.  I arrived to my doctor's appointment with at least 5 minutes to spare, and even with a semi filled waiting room, I found myself sitting and waiting.  I skimmed through the small stack of magazines, no particular article seemed to interest me.  I paid my co pay, sat down and waited some more.  I was then called to go into the exam room and there I waited.  I read all my emails, looked at the latest news, did a few yoga stretches and waited.  I decided finally to just be quiet, sit and wait.  I couldn't make the process go any faster, I know.  As a Nurse Practitioner with a schedule of patients to see each day, I know the difficulty of trying to give time to each one and still "be on time."  It really is an impossible task, and to be honest I couldn't imagine the difficulty my oncologist faced with his schedule.  I am sure every visit involved such difficult conversations.  We all sit in the wi...

I have never done so much walking.  I have walked briskly along a paved pathway in the July heat, and traipsed up rocky, dirt paths winding round the foothills.  I have had my steps counted with ranges of at least 10,000 to 14,000 and at times have reached heights up to  90 floors.  And yet I am sure despite the sweat, and heavy breathing that comes with those steps, they are nothing compared to the steps of those who lived so long ago. It's hard to imagine what it must have been to live up to 800-900 years, when daily you faced the fact of surviving.  Enlisting your ever growing family to build a life with you, quickly you realized, man never was designed to go it alone. From the very beginning, companions were needed to complement us, to fill in the gaps, for those inherent shortcomings we no doubt have within ourselves.  And everyday required you to walk. . .  So I have pondered for awhile, Enoch, a name just mentioned in a genealogy.  He w...

Jasmine and I have a morning ritual.  Jazzy girl is my faithful consistent German Shepherd who greets me every morning around 5:30 or 5:45 AM at the latest, with mild yelps of "time to get up and take me for my walk!"  At times I try to subdue her with constant hand strokes of love upon her face, but if they appease, it only is for a few minutes.  More likely, I ease out of bed, begin to brew the coffee and take a bit more time to wake up on my couch, with a blackberry candle lit and my journal in hand.  Jasmine paces and pauses at my feet, eagerly awaiting the time for her leash to flip on and the back door to open for our morning walk. After arriving back to our yard, Jazzy stretches out on the patio deck and I join her with my legs embracing her.  She responds by nuzzling her bear like head and neck into my chest, as I pet her with nice long strokes along her back.  The more I do that, the more she leans in, and I tell her again, that she is the mo...

" For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing forth in valleys and hills." (Deuteronomy 8:7) Spring is alive and well right before my eyes.  The birth of new baby birds is played out each day, as I watch from my kitchen window.  The family started out with at least 3 babies, but unfortunately 2 found our pool before they found their wings.  But the last one has figured it out, navigating the steps and the crevices as it hops and chirps across the pool deck.  Just in time the mother bird is there to interject feedings to the delight of her prodigy.  She is right on time, at least every 2 hours and reminds her eager offspring of the danger of getting to close to the edge of the steps by being a barrier to its reckless hops.  Life outside of the nest is seemingly harsh, certainly not an instant perfect flight.  It comes with ups and downs, trying out wings not fully developed ...

Standing on the edge of a long awaited Promised Land, the words of Moses rang out, "Hear, O Israel. . . "  A new generation of people born from former slaves had only known life in a wilderness, living on manna and witnessing the presence of God with a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night.  Life had not been easy those 40 years, it was truly a test of survival.  Yet even their clothing had not worn out, nor did they evidence any marks of near starvation.  Miraculously, they lived and though tiny in number, their reputation of their God made surrounding nations fear them.  But like us, they too often grumbled and complained about their life situations, and tried to take matters into their own hands and ways, thinking God had forgotten them or rather that they knew better.  For times like that, Moses stood in the gap between them and God, and intervened on their behalf, reminding God of His great love and compassion for this very people . . . and God ...