Mary's Heartbeats

I am still finding myself in a slump, fighting daily fatigue. I think I am embracing the thing they call burn out. It can happen to anyone, and it's happened before at different stages in my life. It sneaks in when the good that you attempt to do gets squashed and trampled by endless, mindless paperwork and bureaucracy. For those of us who want to help people, (as nurses, we are the caring profession), it is the worse experience to have your work evaluated by how many forms you complete each day. I remind myself over and over that this is not what I chose to become or do, but yet I find myself so stuck. . . Until today, I heard encouragement to look again and find that thing within me that can make my world a better place. Look again and find the passion of my heart. Look again and open myself to receive my Savior's love and grace. The message was so compassionate and heartfelt that all I wanted to do was gulp it down. It was like hearing my preacher Dad, but...

He ran with all his strength to the southern most part of the land, into Judean territory, and deep into the wilderness. They were all after him or maybe it was just the evil Queen Jezebel; even so, he was still outnumbered, thousands to one. Finally, stealing rest and finding sleep, he's nourished with hot bread and fresh water. Now, Elijah climbs the mountain of God to find refuge. There in the darkness of a cave, he pours out his heart to God, "I am all alone in this world, despite all that I have tried to do; the people kill your prophets, tear down your altars, and forsake your ways . . . I am the only one left." Covering his face with his mantle, Elijah steps to the front of the cave after a ferocious wind, an earthquake and fire storm have passed him by. Fearfully, he repeats the same words again, he is all alone in this desperate, frightening world. God's response is quiet as a reassuring breeze. There is still work to be done, kings to be anointed, a...

I couldn't move, my legs and arms felt like loaded sandbags. My mind and eyes were heavy, I would sit or stretch out on my bed and find sleep invading my daytime hours. I had no energy to fight it off, so I succumbed and became inert. Why are there days when I can have so much strength and then these days of sluggishness that completely wipe out any short-lived gains? Wrapped within my physical exhaustion is a restless mind, not content to settle, but looking for control and peace. Spiritually I am spent, I long for a miracle before my eyes . . . I am reading this familiar story, and I know where it will eventually go. Elijah was a prophet who alone seemed to hear the occasional voice of God. First to announce a severe famine, then to challenge 850 prophets and a King who didn't believe in Yahweh. It was an impressive showdown on the mountain top when God answered his humble prayer by bringing fire down from heaven to burn up and consume the offering that he h...

Where does the time go? It's June already, and I have not even been able to do the one thing I had decided the beginning of this year. That was to blog daily. It seems such a simple thing to do, just sit down, take a few moments and write my thoughts on each day. But my days end up gone before I accomplish what I want to or perhaps I give up too easily, and allow other things to fill my days. Maybe that is why I feel so stuck, so in the middle. Being in the middle is unpleasant, because you are the one who is always squeezed. It can happen at home and in family relationships, especially if you try to be the negotiator. It happens at work when you're the one who buffers management and client. It happens especially now at my midlife age of 50 and beyond. I feel stuck in what I have done and accomplished. I feel like I have hit a ceiling in what I do, and I stand in the middle of "keep doing what I've always done and trying something new." My idleness...

I woke up to such a beautiful day, the sun was already brightly shining through the bamboo shades. It was a glorious day for a walk and run with Goldyn. He was just as eager as I was as we started out. The views were clear and invigorating, and I felt like I could run forever. . . The warm sunshine was a long-awaited welcome for summer days ahead. I savored everything I did in the sun, watering my flowers, planting the freshly sprouted cucumbers, and pulling out the cushion for my favorite lounge chair so I could completely stretch out. The best part came toward the end of the day, when a gentle breeze swooped in and slowly dimmed the sun. I love the twilight air, I sat down with Goldyn by my side and then let all the memories pass before my very eyes . . . A couple of days before, the 27th of the month was my Mom's birthday. It has been eight years since she has passed, and it seems so long, but then not really. I still see her wonderful grin and the brightness of ...

Today was the day for my bike ride, but a hasty wet rain had made me postpone my trip. Now the sun was out again, the gray clouds pushed aside, and so I started down the street that glistened like gold from the sun rays that beamed in front of me. The air was fresh and brisk, all the plants, flowers, and trees had perked up with their morning shower of rain. Even the birds seemed to be singing cheerier now, as if they had just cleared their throats. Once again before me lay my lonely stretch of road that I discovered actually dead ended into a horse ranch. It was surrounded by beautiful thick brushy foothills or high places. I wondered as I pedaled up, what is it about high places that we seek them out so much? Two kings emerged. One was the rightful king, the heir of the former king, but he seems to exhibit way too much testosterone in establishing his throne. Not to be outdone by his father, he unwisely rejects the advice of the elders, and listens to his own ruthless cro...

I love sitting at my kitchen table eating hot oatmeal pancakes with fresh maple syrup. I'm gazing at my tall proudly pink hollyhocks growing in my yard. I plant flowers in my garden that hold memories for me, and hollyhocks are pictures of summers spent with my Granny in Peoria, Illinois. They grew in the ally that fenced her backyard and also in between her driveway and her neighbor's. They were multi-colored and festive, and my Dad showed me how to take a bud and place it on an upside down bloom to create the perfect hollyhock doll. I would make a collection, and have them all swirl around as if dancing at a ball. But the best thing about hollyhocks that I have noticed is their resilience. They grow with little care, they don't need much water to grow stately, they withstand the winds, and even bloom when all they have are just a few strands of stem. That's like my Granny who lived to the wonderful age of 107 years. She too was strong even in imperfect c...