Mary's Heartbeats

Everywhere I go, I am caught in the swirl of blue.  Perhaps, it is due to our cool and cloudy days.  Or perhaps it is an aspect of just shorter winter days.  Whatever the cause, I am captivated by the beauty of mountain peaks of blue, frosted white on top with snow.  My early morning walks with Jasmine have been almost "other world" experiences.  I have seen a lazy morning sunrise, rosy pink, spread across the sky at the same time and place that a sliver of a moon is getting ready to rest.  A sunrise and a moonset taking place in the same morning sky!  And yes, all that happens within the blue frame of mountain peaks.  Even twilight bears a tranquil blue, perhaps reflecting back the picture of the mountain calm.  But for now, as I look to the western the sky, the sliver of the night moon with a diamond studded planet right above it, is just smiling down at me.  All is calm, all is bright. . .   The year is being ushered o...

I was surprised to be greeted with a heavy mist, as I slid the patio door shut.  I better go get my raincoat, before Jasmine and I would begin our morning walk.  The sky was gray and cloudy, with still a bit of a chill. But the morning was ours as everything around us fell silent.  As we started out, I noticed that even our front yard tree was shedding yellowish leaves.  There were trees along our usual route that were like brilliant bunches of gold, others were deeply orange and red as rubies.  Walking through the leaves, I noticed that not one of them was identical to the other.  Like snowflakes, each one was distinct in pattern, color and hue.  Like grains of sand, they were much too numerous to begin to count. Wow, how awesome the wonder of trees!   As we walked on, I pondered the process of the changing leaves.  It would seem that each one knew when to turn on their color as they blended in concert with one another, along the ...

I'm out front picking a few lone roses, even though the December air is brisk and cool.  The mountains have been spectacularly white, and our neighborhood trees finally got the message to change the color of their leaves to hews of deep gold and crimson.  Somehow, the fresh roses don't match the season, but that's the paradoxical reality of living in Southern California. Yesterday, it took more effort as I pedalled uphill to the end of the road, resting along the fence of the horse ranch to just take in the quiet scene before me.  The city-scapes fill in the floor of the valley, but beautiful snow caps enhance the surrounding borders like a lacy ruffle or collar.  Everywhere I look, I am captivated with God's goodness displayed so boldly in His creation. And I am picking roses in December.  Perhaps that is why I'm not quite eager to get out the Christmas decorations, as they don't yet feel quite pertinent to what's happening in my yard. My vegetables...

It's just me and Jasmine up this early, brisk Thanksgiving Day.  It would have been easier to stay curled up in a warm bed, than to get out this morning.  But here we are, in our usual morning spots.  Me on my couch with my books and journal, warm coffee close by and Jasmine laid out on her UCLA blanket covered pillow.  A heavy rain has saturated the backyard, and most likely our mountains will be splendid with snow.  Soon I will start the turkey and the house will fill with inviting smells and sounds of family "hanging out."   And here I am, day #365 as a cancer survivor!  It has been exactly one year since my life took an unexpected turn.  I am filled with overflowing joy and tears that seem to cascade out of me whenever I ponder this fact.  In a paradoxical way, it has been one of my best years ever, if not THE best.  I have completely enjoyed my NP days, returning to work and relishing the long term relationships I have ha...

"Let me know," was the prayer of Moses after he had dealt with the reality of his people gone astray.  He had just spent forty long days on a mountain top with God, and returned to those who had grown inpatient with his delay.  They had sought to replace God with an imitation god of gold.  The aftermath was ugly, the people had been punished, ring leaders had died, and now once again it's back to square one with developing people into sincere followers of the one true God.  Moses hears that an angel will go before them as they set out for the promised land, but that is not the same as the presence of God going before them.  He pleads, intercedes once again, humbly asking God to remember the favor He has shown to him in the past and wants to know that indeed God Himself will go with them.  "Let me know," is the theme of his prayer. "Let me know."  I have prayed the same.  Part of the dilemma of being human is that we just don't know.  We c...

Waiting. . . most of life is waiting.  I arrived to my doctor's appointment with at least 5 minutes to spare, and even with a semi filled waiting room, I found myself sitting and waiting.  I skimmed through the small stack of magazines, no particular article seemed to interest me.  I paid my co pay, sat down and waited some more.  I was then called to go into the exam room and there I waited.  I read all my emails, looked at the latest news, did a few yoga stretches and waited.  I decided finally to just be quiet, sit and wait.  I couldn't make the process go any faster, I know.  As a Nurse Practitioner with a schedule of patients to see each day, I know the difficulty of trying to give time to each one and still "be on time."  It really is an impossible task, and to be honest I couldn't imagine the difficulty my oncologist faced with his schedule.  I am sure every visit involved such difficult conversations.  We all sit in the wi...

I have never done so much walking.  I have walked briskly along a paved pathway in the July heat, and traipsed up rocky, dirt paths winding round the foothills.  I have had my steps counted with ranges of at least 10,000 to 14,000 and at times have reached heights up to  90 floors.  And yet I am sure despite the sweat, and heavy breathing that comes with those steps, they are nothing compared to the steps of those who lived so long ago. It's hard to imagine what it must have been to live up to 800-900 years, when daily you faced the fact of surviving.  Enlisting your ever growing family to build a life with you, quickly you realized, man never was designed to go it alone. From the very beginning, companions were needed to complement us, to fill in the gaps, for those inherent shortcomings we no doubt have within ourselves.  And everyday required you to walk. . .  So I have pondered for awhile, Enoch, a name just mentioned in a genealogy.  He w...

Jasmine and I have a morning ritual.  Jazzy girl is my faithful consistent German Shepherd who greets me every morning around 5:30 or 5:45 AM at the latest, with mild yelps of "time to get up and take me for my walk!"  At times I try to subdue her with constant hand strokes of love upon her face, but if they appease, it only is for a few minutes.  More likely, I ease out of bed, begin to brew the coffee and take a bit more time to wake up on my couch, with a blackberry candle lit and my journal in hand.  Jasmine paces and pauses at my feet, eagerly awaiting the time for her leash to flip on and the back door to open for our morning walk. After arriving back to our yard, Jazzy stretches out on the patio deck and I join her with my legs embracing her.  She responds by nuzzling her bear like head and neck into my chest, as I pet her with nice long strokes along her back.  The more I do that, the more she leans in, and I tell her again, that she is the mo...

" For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing forth in valleys and hills." (Deuteronomy 8:7) Spring is alive and well right before my eyes.  The birth of new baby birds is played out each day, as I watch from my kitchen window.  The family started out with at least 3 babies, but unfortunately 2 found our pool before they found their wings.  But the last one has figured it out, navigating the steps and the crevices as it hops and chirps across the pool deck.  Just in time the mother bird is there to interject feedings to the delight of her prodigy.  She is right on time, at least every 2 hours and reminds her eager offspring of the danger of getting to close to the edge of the steps by being a barrier to its reckless hops.  Life outside of the nest is seemingly harsh, certainly not an instant perfect flight.  It comes with ups and downs, trying out wings not fully developed ...

Standing on the edge of a long awaited Promised Land, the words of Moses rang out, "Hear, O Israel. . . "  A new generation of people born from former slaves had only known life in a wilderness, living on manna and witnessing the presence of God with a cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night.  Life had not been easy those 40 years, it was truly a test of survival.  Yet even their clothing had not worn out, nor did they evidence any marks of near starvation.  Miraculously, they lived and though tiny in number, their reputation of their God made surrounding nations fear them.  But like us, they too often grumbled and complained about their life situations, and tried to take matters into their own hands and ways, thinking God had forgotten them or rather that they knew better.  For times like that, Moses stood in the gap between them and God, and intervened on their behalf, reminding God of His great love and compassion for this very people . . . and God ...

We are being invaded by frequent flights of dainty Monarch-like butterflies, brushing briskly throughout our streets and yards.  Last night during chatter before my yoga class, I discovered they are known as "Painted Ladies," and yes, our area is part of their migratory pattern.  I have enjoyed being surrounded by their crooked and jerky paths, as I try to capture their picture while they take a break on my flowers.  I am reminded of the butterfly feeling I had when I was pregnant.  It was that first flutter of life within in my abdomen, when you weren't exactly sure what it was you were feeling.  It was there, definitely there, but unlike anything you ever had within you before.  It bounced from one side to the other, just like a butterfly bumping in a jar.  I am having a similar sensation now as I prepare myself to return to work in a week.  There is a definite newness within me, but only like a flicker of flame.  I wonder if it will be f...

Unhurried Serenity A quiet crisp December dawn With sleepy clouds, Arousing the morning sun. Interrupted only by the  Chatter of squawky wild parrots Perched atop  A crimson yellow tree. A rugged rocky journey With pregnant virgin, Finished only by the  Humble birth of Christ In a manger stall. Unhurried serenity? I wonder. . . Jesus, Prince of Peace Has come into the midst  Of life situations, crises and unknowns. Ushering in goodness,  Hope and joy. Gifting us with  Everlasting Unhurried Serenity. "The Lord your God is in your midst . . .  He will exult over you with joy,  He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy." (Zephaniah 3:17)

Here I am day #89 cancer survivor and I am all in.  I have walked these days with much soul searching and solitude.  I never could have predicted the particular paths that I have wandered down.  So much of the journey has been in unknown territory.  I have often heard how the cancer I had "was so different, very rare, not typical, and perhaps at best a very early cancer."  I have had multiple scans, both inside and outside of my body, and a total of 3 surgeries.  All of which have brought me back full circle to the fact that I did have a Left Fallopian tube cancer, but that has been surgically removed with my total hysterectomy.  I have been all in with the various plans that have been proposed to me, but today, there were more choices for me to personally make, with the options presented.  But to choose means that I will have to be all in. . . and so I wonder, am I really all in? The very word of cancer brings with it shock, fear, anxiety and...