My Own Worst Enemy

I just don't get it.  One minute, I am swinging the golf club consistently and landing in the fairway, and in the matter of just a few holes, I have collapsed.  My demise started setting in as I grew more self conscious with my stupid shots.  No one really goes onto the course planning to make terrible shanks and hooks.  And usually, even if you have done that you do have a sense of what you did wrong.  But none the less, it leaves you feeling even more frustrated with what you thought would be a super fun day.

That's when it starts, it resonates in my head.  Those negative tapes of self.  I'm not sure why or where that all stems from, but maybe it has come from growing up somewhat in a fishbowl and finding yourself compared so often to others.  But perhaps it is a part of who I am, a hard critic of myself, with no else to blame or fault.  I am my own worst enemy. . .

Of course, when we feel vulnerable we build defenses.  So what is a golfing wife supposed to do?  Blame her mentor husband!  If he had just not joined up with those other golfers. . . after all there is already too much testosterone on the line when just playing golf with him, let alone adding others.  How can I really take my time for shots, when I have that audience staring through my swing?  And please, do I really need to hear "good shot" when it's obviously to the left and out of play? No, that wasn't him who said that, but those "others" who now play with us.  It all becomes appeasement to me, my joy is robbed, and I am ready to pick up my club and just go home.  Amazing how my head begins to rule my game, I am my own worst enemy . . . 

Back out on the driving range, I find peace and solace in my practice.  I am oblivious to those who shoot around me.  I find that hitting balls in the heat strikes the sting out of me that tends to bite the one especially close to me, that ol' husband of mine.  I am my own worst enemy . . .

But today is a new day, another course.  Golf plays out so much like life to me, I think that is why I can't give up.  Yes, you can have those days when all goes south and you lash out at others as you lose your swing.  But there's hope, for there is always another round to play, a different course, another chance to drive the ball straight down the line.  Plus, I do learn more from my failures and bad shots.  In spite of a shot gone wrong, it's a challenge to make it turn out right.  Scrambling and grinding it out is just as much a part of the game as hitting it always right.  And the reality is, even the pro's have their "yucky" days, even they can blow a perfect lead.  The game is much more in your head than what you think . . . you are your own worst enemy!

It's a beautiful course, with scenic holes, with hilltop tees, and rolling greens.  I am playing golf, I am in the game.  I'm not a spectator, I am in the heat of the match.  I've embraced the enemy my self, and have a better frame of mind.  My husband is still my mentor, my best friend, whose words are there for me to learn from and not to use as bait for my self's demise.  

The secret to life's game is to stop being your own worst enemy!